Tuesday, January 13, 2009

It's no secret...

It's not a secret that I took the layoffs at 1up very hard. While I know I wasn't the only one, I find that I am the quickest to have it show outwardly. Losing the job at 1up was the end of a long dream I've had in my head. Not only did I lose a job at the only enthusiast press outlet that I felt I could work at, but I was going to lose out on the daily time I got to spend with the people I care about the most.

I'll miss meandering around the floor, bantering with Alice, Tina, Nick, Phil, and Justin.

I'll miss the times when I could steal Alice's guitar and squeeze in a few moments of play to calm my nerves when things were starting to go south.

I'll miss the satisfaction of seeing my own name make it into print.

I'll miss the cold mornings and early evening times that I got to spend walking home in company of people I love.

A lot of good came from the job. Not only did I make money and get myself semi-established in the industry, but I was also able to use it to get a job for friends of mine, taking them out of shitty situations and hopefully placing them in some capacity where they can achieve all the things they were meant to.

It's hard to not be excited with all the potential that's floating around, but I'm scared to death of how I'm going to pay for life here in a month or so. Still, even with all the hardship of job and money, I find myself thinking more about the immaterial things I lack -- and how I'd give most anything for that not to be true. Money can fill the walls of my house and the space in my wallet, but can't do anything about the growing maw I feel in my chest each day when I wake up.

This song, even if you don't like it, says a lot of what I'm feeling.



You're a boomerang...you'll see.

28 comments:

Tommy said...

In regards to the people you miss. You still have the opportunity to see them right? Or is it the day to day of not seeing them that causing the canker? Loss sucks dude. And I know it is cliche but those memories you have with those people you have forever, and not laying off or closing down of any magazine can take that away from you. Thanks for all that you have done to be the arbiter--nay priest of the god that is videogames. Ok, I'm done. Oh, don't forget to update this blog in the crazy time you will undoubtedly have with all the other writing you will be doing (I'm sure you will be busy with work soon enough).

Good song by the way. I saw that guy in my home town. At the end of the show he was drunk and knocked over the person playing the full sized harp as well as the harp.

Mr Durand Pierre said...

Aww, Chuf... you're so adorable when you're depressed. Be thankful for what you've got though... the support the your legion of fans, the triumph of Rebel FM, your friends on and off of 1up, your youth, that awesome fro, etc...

I know it hurts to have achieved your dream then lost it, and forgive me if it sounds cliche, but you'll bounce back. Also, my advice; play lots of games. It won't solve all your problems, but will sedate the pain, and before you know it, time will have gone by and whatever's been eating you will seem all the weaker. I wrote an article about this on my blog at, http://mrdurandpierre.blogspot.com/2009/01/games-as-therapy.html. Forgive me for the shameless self-promotion, but it might actual cheer you up. If it doesn't, maybe this will; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6ljFaKRTrI

Best wishes,
Jeffrey

Hilikus said...

Oh, wow.
After hearing your music on 1up FM and some you've recommended, I sorta wondered if you listened to Bright Eyes..
I actually cut out part of that exact song and made it my ringtone.

And I'm immensely impressed and excited you guys have pulled together another podcast so quickly(not to mention happy with the human race for one of the first times for the attention it's getting), it's helping fill this big podcast void that has inevitably formed.

Good luck, man. I look forward to the blog!

Layton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lou Chou said...

This sudden turn around at 1UP rocked me, dude, but in a different way. As a person who looked to games journalism as a dream job, it's left me pretty jaded.

When one or two people get canned you can KIND of understand. It sucks, but people get fired. But 10, 20, 30 people? People you would consider exceptional writers, and people you look up to? No one's safe! It's very disheartening to see that happen.

I'm not so sure if I believe in that dream anymore...

Nick said...

Thank you so much for the good times you have given me. I am really lost for words.

Hopefully you find a new job soon and I look forward to hearing more from you in the near future.

All the Best,

Nick

KindGalaxy said...

Yesterday I packed two bags of clothes, I went to my city's center and booked a single room motel for the night. Yesterday was a day where I felt my marriage had ended, I made plans to fly to a city almost 2,500 miles away to start again with $1000 in my pocket, 4 shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, 1 pair of shorts, 3 changes of underwear and 2 pairs of socks, my Nintendo DS and my mobile phone.
Later that day (just half an hour before I would have boarded the plane), my wife rang me and told me she was sorry. She wanted to try again. So, I went back to the home we built together.
I contacted my work, informed them I would be at work the next day and apologized for the day I did not come in.
My point is; we all have our hardships, I saw my life ending just 24 hours ago, I had no direction; just a chance to continue in the experience.
I know the time now feels like shit, and you're worried about your future, but you have a guarantee; you will never be homeless. As you said, you miss those conversations with Tina, Alice, Nick, Phil, Justin; those are people you can count on, the same as they count on you. Your situation is not dire, you just need to do some heavy lifting, so to speak, over the next 6 months to get back on track.
As I said; you won't be homeless. You won't die. You just lost a job. You'll survive.
(What I wrote about me personally is all true, I really did think that chapter of my life ended yesterday, that my marriage was over, my job was finished, but I am going to try to soldier on. You do the same.)

Jesse said...

You've been by far the most vocal about the hardships you've had after the 1UP bloodbath, but I don't think anyone holds that against you. You and the others who took the hit have all hit the ground running, accomplishing much more than I could have asked, and more quickly.

I believe you will be okay in the longer term. I believe that the friends you've made are not going away because of this terrible situation. And I know that, no matter how tough things are for you in the meantime, you have a literal world of support here for you.

Steve said...

I too am disheartened to see such a dedicated and thoughtful group laid off. Still, I’m of the opinion that the world is hungry enough for meaningful content that those who can provide it will always rise to the top; that good people recognize each other and will gather together.

Padraic o Broithe said...

Stick with your friends Chuf. You guys have a good thing going and with each other, you will all make it through this.

CallMeSarge said...

Hang in there Chuf! From experience, what you are doing right now is what the big men do. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and keep on pushing and grinding. Good luck to you man!

by Aurok said...

You have issues with loss that extend way beyond the layoff, if this is your impetus for dealing with them, then maybe it's for the better.

You have to find something that fills that void other than relationships, music/religion/exercise/whatever, otherwise you'll always be waiting for someone to make your life worth living, and that's a terrible burden to be placing on someone you love.

Double said...

Lifted is one of my favorite albums ever. It often has a way of stating what I myself can't say.

Good choice.

Ficken said...

I wish you the best of luck. You deserve the best.

john said...

You know, what that guy Aurok said makes some sense, but I understand things really don't feel that simple. The world's full of complication, pollution, ignorant people, arrogant people, people looking to bring down others, cheat their way to success, commit crimes, etc.

But there's copious amounts of amazing things, phenomenal people, incredible natural wonders that are so much better. If we all spent our days thinking about what was fucked in this world, we'd never get anywhere. There's a point where the worry becomes routine. All of a sudden it is easier to feel sad than happy. That's not a fun place to be. I looked for one positive, excited blog post from you, and well, you've got one that's kind of jubilant about your music and... that's it.

But honestly, man, you deserve to have your outlets for all the shit that's plaguing you, and you shouldn't feel bad for sharing it. Just understand, that eventually feeling sorry for yourself won't make you feel any better, and the majority of people will cease to feel sympathetic. It's an unfortunate downward spiral.

You can always ask for help too. If you've got amazing friends, you've got support. No matter what.

There's my two cents.

I really hope you'll be able to find solutions for everything that's eating you.

Work on that, while I try to figure out where the hell that came from.

Jensemann said...

Mate,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. But I can tell you that nothing is so bad as it looks. Three years ago I finished my studies with a intern in a good company with a cool project and nice people surrounding me. I finished my project with the best outcome possible. So my boss asked me If I would like to work for them. I was exited out of my mind. After the interview that went well my boss came to me and told me that he can not understand it but I the management could not effort keeping me.
So it took me 4 weeks to understand it and I started with the hideous, disappointing and often demeaning process of applying for a job.
For half a year I relied on the moral support of my family and friend. I think you know. But after half a year one of the best things in my life so far. I got a job that was only asking me to move, in a different country flying hours away from home( and believe me in europe that means something). I could do what I wanted but in a language I never really spoke (english). And I left all my friends. I still hadn't fully recovered from the self doubts of the last half year. But I quickly found lovable people there and against my own believe my "old" friends left me. They kept on calling, mailing and sometimes even commenting on my shitty blog. And I got a lot of appreciation at work.
So what I am trying to say is if you are half as dedicated to - and as competent as I think you are in - your job, you will keep on bringing us really content and on your way you will be accompanied by your friends, new and old ones.
And If you need to occupy your mind with something different at the moment drop me a mail I just finished painting my army and need a worthy 500 point opponent (email wargaming).
Just the best
Jensemann

Anthony said...

Oh yeah, i have plenty of things going on that are amazing, plenty of people in my life that are amazing. This is just my blog where I rant about the things on my mind, not putting too much thought into whether it's well thought out or mentally sound -- it's just my raw thoughts.

I am happy with myself, and who I have become, I just know things could be better in a lot of ways.

john said...

The raw thoughts thing is totally cool. It's just a bummer that they mostly appear to be depressing. Although perhaps to you they're not.

I know I've had instances myself where I've felt particularly low and tried to express it, but wound up putting something out (writing, music, art) that makes things out to be a lot worse than they really are. Kind of makes me realize and appreciate what I seemed to neglect in whatever it was that I had just done. Maybe that's the case here, as well. Or maybe you're just writing the bad out, moving on, and greeting the good.

But regardless and whatever the case may be, you've got approximately 3,883 random internet dudes who are pulling for you.

It's a rough and unforgiving time. But as Simon Cox might write, "chin up, mate." Good luck, Chuf, and enjoy yourself.

Mike Heagerty said...

Damn, maybe you take things too seriously? But if that's what you do, that's what you do.

We're all just fleshy multi-celled organisms scrabbling to survive on a cold rock floating in a void. There is no god, no good or bad. There only is.

Ken said...

I just wanted to show some solidarity for a fellow Davis-man and an awesome editorialist. There's no way you won't be out of work for too long. I really enjoyed your inaugural Rebel.fm too, keep up the good work!

As for these kinds of blogs, I think they're great. I think everyone needs their own ways to blow off steam and convey their thoughts in more tactful venues and blogs fill that hole very well.

Samski said...

Anthony, you probably already know this but I feel it needs to be contributed.

People who YOU don't even know, love you for the great personality that you are. And it aint that kind of Internet fake love, it's the kind that comes when you most need it.

The reason why there is this tremendous amount of support, is that you were (hopefully) being yourself at 1up. And through those hours upon hours that we listened to you and saw you, we befriended you. We are supporting you, because we think you are awesome, and we want you to live your dream job. And if $20 internet moneys can help continue your dream job, then I'm all for it.

And fuck that, this isn't me letting my guard down because I'm protected by the indestructible wall of the internets, no, it's me being completely and utterly honest.

When you wake up in the morning and feel like the world has turned to shit, say 'Hey, that random dude from Australia who commented on my blog thinks I'm awesome because I'm me.'

Take all that fucking huge amount of potential and have your way with it. Don't think people are relying on you to be awesome and courageous and strong. We are giving you all this opportunity with no tie downs (except for the obvious lack of money one), we are just sitting back and waiting to see your awesome again.

Chuf, just be the awesome you.

Brandon M. Smith, Esquire said...

I've always felt that nostalgia is a combination of joy and sadness, reading your post reinforces that. I'm glad to see that you and your partners in crime are hitting the ground running and have been able to move forward without so much as a pause despite the loss of your jobs. Having RebelFM go up so quickly is unnecessary proof that everyone involved is in it for their love of gaming rather than just to get paid. Remember that no matter how much all the fan support means to you, you mean just as much to all your fans.

Daniel said...

I just heard about the 1UP stuff and I want you to know that I always enjoyed your work at 1UP and that you and Shawn Elliot really generated a lot of laughter and joy in my life. Best of luck in all that you do, I know you'll bounce back and I can't wait to see it.

Gentry said...

As someone who wakes up to the sound of Bright Eyes every morning, I approve of your musical choice.

I would like to submit something helpful and constructive, but everything I write sounds like bullshit. So I will just say good luck to you, well wishes, (not so) happy new year.

Jacky said...

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn’t seen it)
http://vimeo.com/2809991

hope you like it chuff

Hunter said...

My heart goes out to you, Anthony. I was in a similar (though on a smaller scale) situation a few years ago; the place where I was working was shut down and all of my co-workers and I, for the most part, went our separate ways. The money I got at the job, while nice, paled in comparison to the actually enjoyment I got from the work and the people I worked with.

The thing that works in your favor is your ability to bring people together, which you already have with Rebel FM. When Jeff and Shawn left GFW I was like "Well fuck... but at least Anthony's still on there." You have a good personality and your opinions on games (or just random day to day things in the case of GFW and LAN Party) are compelling and interesting. While the lay offs are disheartening and financially difficult, I'm confident that you'll come out on top and remain a respected voice in the game enthusiast press.

Chuf it out.

The Editor said...

Im so fuckin sorry. I absolutely loved you in every single podcast you have ever been on I am seriously depressed that im never going to hear another podcast from 1up again. Fuck UGO, fuck the economy, fuck everything that has lead to this.

P.S. if you ever want to do a podcast we have a spot open on egamercast.com lol we cant pay you anything but if u want to guest star feel free to email me at brainiac2121@gmail.co,

The Fraze said...

Hey man, I'm right there with you in the satisfaction received from seeing your name in print - even though I've been freelancing for quite some time, it never gets old.

You've got nothing to worry about though man, you're an excellent writer and you've got connections. Good things are coming your way, you just can't get wrapped up in the specific nature of how or when they come to you.

Good luck, bro.